The Lord Shall Preserve Thee
I'm sitting in a hotel room in La Vista, Nebraska. My precious, baby girl is sleeping in my left arm. She just got the chills and I think baby goose-bumps are one of the cutest things.
Lately I've felt some of my earlier mothering fears arise: will she grow to love the Lord? Will she break my heart? There is just no way of knowing the future and that can be so so scary. I think part of the reason I've began worrying again is because her personality is continually developing, and that includes a sin nature. We tell her not to touch the harp but she looks at us and crawls towards it (it's since been moved to our bedroom to simply remove the temptation). I tell her to not put her mouth on a railing in the swimming pool but she smirks as she goes toward it again. She has mastered the mad cry which includes spurts of yelling and I sense defiance. Already?!
I don't want these sinful tendencies to shape the way I interact with her. I don't want to assume she's going to do the wrong thing, because there are so many times she is sweet and good. And times she obeys when we tell her to not touch something. And yet, I find myself caught in this fear that the independent streak and the temper are just foreshadowing of this rebellious child who will turn into a rebellious adult. In that mindset I tend to be less patient with her disobedience because I want control and I want to fix it before it turns into anything greater.
The other morning after dwelling on these thoughts for a bit, I read Psalms 120 and 121. The first speaks of David's despair as he is in a distant land surrounded by those who don't fear the Lord. The following Psalm is the well known "I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills". Many Christians are familiar with the first few verses of that chapter, but I find the last two verses to be comforting as well:
Lately I've felt some of my earlier mothering fears arise: will she grow to love the Lord? Will she break my heart? There is just no way of knowing the future and that can be so so scary. I think part of the reason I've began worrying again is because her personality is continually developing, and that includes a sin nature. We tell her not to touch the harp but she looks at us and crawls towards it (it's since been moved to our bedroom to simply remove the temptation). I tell her to not put her mouth on a railing in the swimming pool but she smirks as she goes toward it again. She has mastered the mad cry which includes spurts of yelling and I sense defiance. Already?!
I don't want these sinful tendencies to shape the way I interact with her. I don't want to assume she's going to do the wrong thing, because there are so many times she is sweet and good. And times she obeys when we tell her to not touch something. And yet, I find myself caught in this fear that the independent streak and the temper are just foreshadowing of this rebellious child who will turn into a rebellious adult. In that mindset I tend to be less patient with her disobedience because I want control and I want to fix it before it turns into anything greater.
The other morning after dwelling on these thoughts for a bit, I read Psalms 120 and 121. The first speaks of David's despair as he is in a distant land surrounded by those who don't fear the Lord. The following Psalm is the well known "I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills". Many Christians are familiar with the first few verses of that chapter, but I find the last two verses to be comforting as well:
The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil:
He shall preserve thy soul.
The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in
From this time forth, and even for evermore.
Psalm 121:7+8 KJV
I don't interpret that to be a guarantee from God that Lizah will someday follow Him. But I know that God will do His part. Since He is so much mightier than I am, it would be best for me to again let go of those fears and just pour out the love on God's child that I get to call my daughter. When I take control, the Spirit is quenched and that is the last thing Lizah needs.
Perhaps God allowed me to become a mom so I could surrender another part of my heart to Him. So, I'm going to listen to that old saying and try to do what it says: pray more, worry less.
Comments
Post a Comment